AI is coming for us. Bit of a dramatic way to start a match-report I know, but it’s a fact. One even this chronicler cannot escape. And so it was, on a sunny Monday morning when Saturday afternoon seemed a distant memory, that I succumbed and asked ChatGPT for inspiration.

“I’m at a loss ChatGPT. I’m creatively spent. I need your help. Please can you write me a cricket match report on our victory on Saturday?” I asked, wondering if I really needed to be so polite to our inevitable robot overlords.

“Certainly,” replied my AI co-writer. “Can you supply me with all the facts and figures from the game so I can write a detailed, witty and thoughtful report that accurately sums up the day?”

“No.” I declared confidently. “I usually just babble about something completely irrelevant for a few paragraphs and hope people give up by the time I remember something vaguely from the day.”

“I see,” replied the computer assistant. “That seems a bit pointless doesn’t it? And didn’t you say you won? And didn’t Sadda get a fifer on his debut? And didn’t someone drop an absolute dolly of a catch? In fact, I can search the web and find a clip-

Well, I’m sorry to say that there was a malfunction at that point and my ChatGPT stopped working for some reason. I guess we’ll never know who dropped that absolute sitter of a catch…

Anywho, looks like I’m doing this the old-fashioned way - so let’s start with the toss: another one won by Jedders, who opted to bowl first.

Dave got off the mark early with a chipped catch to Dhruv at midwicket. He took it no problem. Another edge went to Jaco who gave it a juggle before holding on tight and taking the second. A third was surely coming…but unfortunately for us (and mainly Dave!) it was dropped by a completely unidentifiable individual.

If only we had some kind of way of watching it back? Some sort of technology that could allow Jaco to find that exact moment and allow us to watch it over and over and over again; in the clubhouse after the match, for example? I’m afraid no such technology exists, and this information is lost to history forever.

Now, the life of an opening bowler is tough. But you’ll never hear Guy complaining about it. He bowled diligently but didn’t get the rewards he’d hoped for. You might say he was more of the Guys-maid and not the Bride…yeah, I’ll get ChatGPT to write the jokes from now on too.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. It was time for the debut destroyer, Ashok Sadda, to enter the attack. The man with black trainers was relentless, even the drizzle couldn’t dampen his spirits - though it did provide a fantastic slip opportunity: a ‘Home Alone’ style, comedy near-back flip onto his back.

He was prolific and left more of a mark on the scorecard than he did DK’s hand in the nets. Not that Guy realised, having come from his fielding position of Mid On-Another-Planet to congratulate Ashok on nearly getting to his fifer after his sixth wicket.

All that was left was for Nicko and Liam to tidy up the last couple of batsmen, and on to an extended tea.

Andy and Ben went out to bat, and I must say it was lovely to watch Andy bat from such close range as he raced to a fifty. Meanwhile, I was happy to oblige the opposition with a point for their efforts and duly nicked one for their slip to catch in his thighs.

Liam walked out to finish off, with a well-worked 10 not out.

Great stuff from Noz for his 59* and Ashok with a fifer on debut, finishing with stellar figures of 6 - 25 from his 10 overs!

An early finish before the drizzle returned, and then the darts social in the evening: Congrats to Joe B who beat Ben in the final.

How can I properly wrap up a report of this calibre? I know…

“ChatGPT, how should I end this report?”

“Did you even put the score?" It asked. “How about I do the reports, and you do some catching practice?"

Harsh but fair. Eaton Bray win by 9 wickets.